Sigh!

Well, I find myself in an unusual headspace these days. The past is permeating my life more than I'd like, and ironically, much less than I'd like at the same time. I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that who we've been in the past will trump who we are in the future. Notice that I didn't say who we can be in the future. We can be better than we're going to be, I think. We are choosing to be worse, to be less caring and to live sadder, lonelier lives. We think of ourselves more than anything else - family, friends, the world. We can stop it, but we won't do it. Not yet, anyway. For the foreseeable future, there will be minimal compromise and we will create more enemies than make friends. Why? Because we've come to believe that we can have anything that we want, and the simple truth is, we can't.

Yes, I've come to realize that myself. I cannot have the things that I want most. I must give back some of the gifts I've received, I think, before I can wish for anything more. Sometimes it all seems like some kind of cruel joke, because I've received so much, but sometimes I think if given the choice I would have traded some of it for some of the things that I haven't gotten. Or perhaps I am incapable of enjoying the things that I have while I have them. That's also a possibility.

I find myself confronting several sets of limits and boundaries that have been erected in my path. There are a few people in my life right now who have boxed me into somewhat of a corner. I feel that there are certain boundaries that I can't overstep, certain demands that I can't make, yet they make those same demands of me and I wonder what makes them feel so free to demand effort from me without exerting any effort of their own?

Now, there are several people who will read this and think, is she talking about me? No, I'm probably not talking about you, at least not you in particular. I'm talking more in the abstract I guess, rather than the real. But, the feelings that come of that abstraction feel very real to me and can be extremely distressing.

I know this has all been very vague and aimless, but I guess I need to express it and let it be. That's all. Nighty night and sweet dreams to you all!

Kisses!
Laurelle