Hard Day

Well, today was a hard day - one of those days where a good, solid hug would have helped me to feel like much less of an idiot.

Yesterday, as promised, I spoke to the McGill task force on student life and learning. I was very nervous because some of the things I said may have offended people who work very hard to make McGill work. Unfortunately, the efforts of a few don't always compensate for the disingenuousness of the many. I have gotten positive feedback from at least 2 members of the task force. Hopefully, I did more help than harm.

Sometimes you feel like everyone has the tip of a knife pressed into the skin of your back. One wrong move and the blade sinks in. Just like that, you're dead (figuratively speaking). I feel really unprotected today, really alone, really stupid and ineffective. This even after several of my students have thanked me for helping them. I need an escape. I don't drink and I don't take drugs. I don't have anyone's arms to fall into for comfort. I feel strong and happy on most days, but on days like today I really, really need someone to tell me that I am not an idiot, that I can do this and that everything will be okay. Physically and intellectually I am okay, emotionally I sometimes feel like I'm dragging my feet. Even a small squeeze of the hand would be of some comfort.

I really, really miss you Auntie Jane. If you really are looking over me, please help me get to sleep.