Melancholy
Well, I've been quite melancholy this last week. Maybe it was cabin fever from being cooped up in here "on my retreat" for most of the week or maybe I'm just PMSing. The point is that I've been overly reflective and I have analysed myself, my feelings, my desires and my goals to the point of oblivion. Oh, I've laughed a lot this week too. I learned a long time ago that no amount of melancholy is worth feeling so badly about yourself that you can't enjoy life. You can be melancholy and still enjoy what's there to be enjoyed. It's like a friend and I were talking about earlier - try to minimize how badly you can feel at any moment. For example, why look like trash when you feel a little run down inside? The last thing you need is to be able to say: "On top of the fact that I had a bad day, my hair looks like crap and I belong on this site."
Anyway, despite my inner turmoil a lot of nice things have happened. I've been grading the second midterm for the class I am TAing and, so far, I am pleased with the results. I actually had a smile on my face while reading some of these exams. My students really stepped up to the challenge. On the first midterm, they did quite poorly. This is due in part to the fact that the professor seems to have extracted his ideas about how to teach the material from the year 1859. I've never seen so many references to the monarchy having a place in the Canadian political system. Most people generally think, "what monarchy?" and everybody else just ignores it. I've asked myself many times if this professor is a monarchist. I'm almost to the point of asking him. Don't tempt me, I'll do it. Anyway, this guy's pedagogical method involved the students having no access to the TAs before the first midterm so that he could "see who comes out on top." Now, I know that you know that the absence of clear objectives and a lack of feedback is detrimental to the learning process. However, this prof also said that "if you get an A at McGill you pick your future." I hope he sees this post and recognizes himself in this description because I think he is doing more damage than good to both his own career and to the future academic potential of these students. One bad experience can kill a student's confidence.
So, for the second midterm I gave them strict instructions about how to answer an exam question so that you clearly expose what you know beyond any doubt. I begged them to email me at any time up to two hours before the exam to clarify anything about the exam material. I insisted that no matter what the question give me a critique or analysis of some aspect of the concept in question (these exam questions are definitional, like "Define and discuss the significance of Liberalism," which is misleading to the novice student.) Well, several students' exams are so good that it's almost like they're flipping me the bird! They're telling me where to go with their excellent answers. I love it! I'm so proud of them. I told them not to give me any reason to give them anything but an A. If the prof sees too many As, he will review the exams, so they musn't leave any room for debate. I will not grade on a damn curve! I will give out as many high grades as are merited.
Tomorrow, I speak before the McGill Principal's Task Force on Student Life and Learning. A few months ago I submitted a lengthy report to the task force and they've asked me to present on it. In my report I lament the grading system at McGill, which disadvantages top McGill students in at least two ways; and the corporate culture at McGill, which results in an unhelpful, belligerent administrative staff that hinders student progress. I'll expound upon this issue a little more tomorrow after I present my report.
Back to my melancholiness, though. Sigh. I wonder if I'm not entagling myself in an emotional situation from which it will be difficult to extract myself. I wonder if I'm not headed towards the same old emotional disappointment that seems to find me no matter which way I turn, no matter how hard I try to lose it in the maze. I think I need some sort of talisman to clear the air around me; I must have collected years of ill will by now. Or, maybe I have so much good around me - so much outstanding luck and support - that I have to forgo one elusive form of personal happiness in order to experience all the rest. I guess never really aging, receiving amazing amounts of academic support, getting government grants, being offered good jobs, having fantastic friends and being so fortunate that I can help others even while I help myself makes up for it. Sometimes, though, it's hard to understand why I can't achieve what seems to be so easy for other people to obtain. Or maybe it's all an illusion for them as well. Maybe they know when to accept that and take what their being given, even when it isn't very good at all. Maybe accepting something halfway decent, if you squint, stops you from wondering why you don't have anything at all. Is something always better than nothing? Will I be so stupid as to hope that something is possible where a possibility never really existed?
You know, recently I ran into my ex-guitar teacher from when I was 14 years old. I gave him my email and the first thing he told me is that all those years ago, when I was just a kid dreaming about KISS, that my intelligence and maturity struck him, and that he felt a kinship to me. I guess I'm simplifying it so as not to betray the beautiful but platonic affection attached to the email, but I'm very deeply touched by his admission. He stopped being my guitar teacher when he left suddenly (or was fired) under mysterious circumstances. I never saw him again until a few months ago - 17 years later. I remember being (platonically, but deeply) heartbroken and refusing to continue on with the new teacher at the guitar centre. It took me quite a while to find a new teacher elsewhere. I had felt so comfortable with him - that I could make the mistakes that one needs to make to become truly great. I never forgot how difficult it was to arrest that development. (Please listen to his new band with an open mind and a youthful spirit.) Whenever you feel quite deeply about someone, you always hope that they like you as much as you like them. It's always frightening to think that you're feeling what you're feeling all by yourself.
I'm starting a new book tonight: Miriam Toews' A Complicated Kindness. I'll let you know how that goes.
Anyway, despite my inner turmoil a lot of nice things have happened. I've been grading the second midterm for the class I am TAing and, so far, I am pleased with the results. I actually had a smile on my face while reading some of these exams. My students really stepped up to the challenge. On the first midterm, they did quite poorly. This is due in part to the fact that the professor seems to have extracted his ideas about how to teach the material from the year 1859. I've never seen so many references to the monarchy having a place in the Canadian political system. Most people generally think, "what monarchy?" and everybody else just ignores it. I've asked myself many times if this professor is a monarchist. I'm almost to the point of asking him. Don't tempt me, I'll do it. Anyway, this guy's pedagogical method involved the students having no access to the TAs before the first midterm so that he could "see who comes out on top." Now, I know that you know that the absence of clear objectives and a lack of feedback is detrimental to the learning process. However, this prof also said that "if you get an A at McGill you pick your future." I hope he sees this post and recognizes himself in this description because I think he is doing more damage than good to both his own career and to the future academic potential of these students. One bad experience can kill a student's confidence.
So, for the second midterm I gave them strict instructions about how to answer an exam question so that you clearly expose what you know beyond any doubt. I begged them to email me at any time up to two hours before the exam to clarify anything about the exam material. I insisted that no matter what the question give me a critique or analysis of some aspect of the concept in question (these exam questions are definitional, like "Define and discuss the significance of Liberalism," which is misleading to the novice student.) Well, several students' exams are so good that it's almost like they're flipping me the bird! They're telling me where to go with their excellent answers. I love it! I'm so proud of them. I told them not to give me any reason to give them anything but an A. If the prof sees too many As, he will review the exams, so they musn't leave any room for debate. I will not grade on a damn curve! I will give out as many high grades as are merited.
Tomorrow, I speak before the McGill Principal's Task Force on Student Life and Learning. A few months ago I submitted a lengthy report to the task force and they've asked me to present on it. In my report I lament the grading system at McGill, which disadvantages top McGill students in at least two ways; and the corporate culture at McGill, which results in an unhelpful, belligerent administrative staff that hinders student progress. I'll expound upon this issue a little more tomorrow after I present my report.
Back to my melancholiness, though. Sigh. I wonder if I'm not entagling myself in an emotional situation from which it will be difficult to extract myself. I wonder if I'm not headed towards the same old emotional disappointment that seems to find me no matter which way I turn, no matter how hard I try to lose it in the maze. I think I need some sort of talisman to clear the air around me; I must have collected years of ill will by now. Or, maybe I have so much good around me - so much outstanding luck and support - that I have to forgo one elusive form of personal happiness in order to experience all the rest. I guess never really aging, receiving amazing amounts of academic support, getting government grants, being offered good jobs, having fantastic friends and being so fortunate that I can help others even while I help myself makes up for it. Sometimes, though, it's hard to understand why I can't achieve what seems to be so easy for other people to obtain. Or maybe it's all an illusion for them as well. Maybe they know when to accept that and take what their being given, even when it isn't very good at all. Maybe accepting something halfway decent, if you squint, stops you from wondering why you don't have anything at all. Is something always better than nothing? Will I be so stupid as to hope that something is possible where a possibility never really existed?
You know, recently I ran into my ex-guitar teacher from when I was 14 years old. I gave him my email and the first thing he told me is that all those years ago, when I was just a kid dreaming about KISS, that my intelligence and maturity struck him, and that he felt a kinship to me. I guess I'm simplifying it so as not to betray the beautiful but platonic affection attached to the email, but I'm very deeply touched by his admission. He stopped being my guitar teacher when he left suddenly (or was fired) under mysterious circumstances. I never saw him again until a few months ago - 17 years later. I remember being (platonically, but deeply) heartbroken and refusing to continue on with the new teacher at the guitar centre. It took me quite a while to find a new teacher elsewhere. I had felt so comfortable with him - that I could make the mistakes that one needs to make to become truly great. I never forgot how difficult it was to arrest that development. (Please listen to his new band with an open mind and a youthful spirit.) Whenever you feel quite deeply about someone, you always hope that they like you as much as you like them. It's always frightening to think that you're feeling what you're feeling all by yourself.
I'm starting a new book tonight: Miriam Toews' A Complicated Kindness. I'll let you know how that goes.
posted by Laurelle St. Laurent at 11:48 p.m.
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