Sigh!

Well, I find myself in an unusual headspace these days. The past is permeating my life more than I'd like, and ironically, much less than I'd like at the same time. I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that who we've been in the past will trump who we are in the future. Notice that I didn't say who we can be in the future. We can be better than we're going to be, I think. We are choosing to be worse, to be less caring and to live sadder, lonelier lives. We think of ourselves more than anything else - family, friends, the world. We can stop it, but we won't do it. Not yet, anyway. For the foreseeable future, there will be minimal compromise and we will create more enemies than make friends. Why? Because we've come to believe that we can have anything that we want, and the simple truth is, we can't.

Yes, I've come to realize that myself. I cannot have the things that I want most. I must give back some of the gifts I've received, I think, before I can wish for anything more. Sometimes it all seems like some kind of cruel joke, because I've received so much, but sometimes I think if given the choice I would have traded some of it for some of the things that I haven't gotten. Or perhaps I am incapable of enjoying the things that I have while I have them. That's also a possibility.

I find myself confronting several sets of limits and boundaries that have been erected in my path. There are a few people in my life right now who have boxed me into somewhat of a corner. I feel that there are certain boundaries that I can't overstep, certain demands that I can't make, yet they make those same demands of me and I wonder what makes them feel so free to demand effort from me without exerting any effort of their own?

Now, there are several people who will read this and think, is she talking about me? No, I'm probably not talking about you, at least not you in particular. I'm talking more in the abstract I guess, rather than the real. But, the feelings that come of that abstraction feel very real to me and can be extremely distressing.

I know this has all been very vague and aimless, but I guess I need to express it and let it be. That's all. Nighty night and sweet dreams to you all!

Kisses!
Laurelle

OK, back to the philosophical musings

Well you guys don't know this but I have two politically themed drafts waiting to be published, but I'm sick of politics, you know? This is the problem with politics, the reason why I so desperately do not want to be involved with politics; it takes over your whole life, it permeates everything until you can't think of or enjoy your everyday life anymore. You become buried underneath a mountain of political worries and life ceases to exist. When I focus on politics, I hate more than I love. People say that you shouldn't hate anyone, but let me tell you my emotions work only to extremes. I am not neutral about anything. I hate to extremes and love to extremes. Maybe the parameters than define my hatreds are different than other people's limits, but they are there nonetheless. I don't hate based upon racial, religious or gender-based lines, but I can draw an extremely clear boundary around who I hate politically and who I love. I hate politicians. I absolutely hate them and I wish we could do away with all of them.

They say that people with controlling personalities become cops - people who like to push others around. Well, I say that crooks become politicians. Working with actual politicians in this last year, I can't help but be disgusted. Their primary goal is to seek office, not to seek change for and by the people. They are soulless beings with no strong affiliation. They grab onto the likeliest victor and then hold on for dear life. And again, I find myself thinking what I've thought so many times: "I can't do this."

But I will. Or at least I'll try. I won't participate directly in political life, but I will try to learn about good governance and perhaps propose something better for the future. I don't know, that's all I can promise so I hope it's good enough for all of you.